Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Today's Self-Portrait

I function well enough at work. Then I come home, and the evening slips away leaving nothing to show for it. It's dark at 4, I feel as though the day should be done, and respond accordingly. I'm tired, but don't sleep well. I'm empty, lethargic, and hating myself for it. Projects have fallen by the wayside. Ruts are getting deeper. I don't remember winter affecting me this much.

Indecision, vacillation in an important matter, failure, disappointment, mental anguish, disturbing dreams, loneliness, depression, desolation.

I'm not sure what to do, except keep going. Push myself a bit harder, get myself off my behind a bit more, make a list....

Or just go with it for now, waiting for the Solstice, when the light will begin to increase, however slightly. The sun will come back, the depression will fade, my energy will renew. Eventually.

Four of Swords - Solitude, repose. Temporary retreat to gather inner strength, seek spiritual guidance and reorganize thoughts and plans.


Bree said...

I honestly believed (from living in the desert) that SAD was a made up problem. Then I got it 1L year when it would get dark here at 3:30 and the sun wouldn't come out until 8 or 9 in the morning. It was hell. I know this sounds counterintuitive, but tanning helps. Not enough to look like you've been to Mexico recently, but a good quick blast once every two weeks gives me enough vitamin D to get through. Hang in there!

Word Verification: iMall. When apple takes over the mall and you buy everything through their online store, which only allows you to wear each item 7 times. ;)

kate said...

Thanks, but tanning's not an option. But, the tropical greenhouse at the botanic gardens might do the trick -- thanks for starting the train of thought.

Bree said...

I also hear having a light in your house that simulates sunlight helps. Our career office bought one a year ago...I think the staff was tired of crying students in their office! :)

ginger said...

go to the cottage and get some nature's way 5htp...helps your brain create more seratonin...or serotonin. it's 3:33 am and i refuse to look it up.

i need some too since i have insomnia this week. shall we go together on saturday?

kate said...

OOOOOOOOh no! insomnia bad!
Sounds like a good idea - it may need to be in the afternoon. Chef just changed the kitchen workweek to Monday-Friday, but it's December, and we're slammed, so I will probably end up working at least part of tomorrow.
You should see the store - we got fabulous new cases for the pastry and chocolates - it looks so pretty, like an Old World chocolate shop :)

Jenn said...

Yes I too suffer from SAD or at least a variant strain of it. The cloudy skies in the northeast do not help. We don't even get the sunshine for 2 hours a day to make up for the late rising & quickly setting sun. Solstice is less than 2 weeks away and I will be sharing in your joy as the sunlight starts to return! Hang in there girl :)