Sunday, January 4, 2009

flotsam

Forgive me blog, for I have sinned. It's been eleven days since my last entry. I could blame it on working crazy hours, but the truth is I'm in a place of having nothing to say. Nothing worthwhile, anyway. Just a litany of aches and distractions that punctuate a vast sea of swirling thoughts that resist capture and examination.
I'm on a weeklong break from work, and am forcing myself to rest. It doesn't come naturally, my left brain keeps coming up with a list of tasks that my right brain, being preoccupied with dreams and tarot and fairy tales and wondering what nox invictus means refuses to do, resulting in a rather foggy state of being in which nothing seems to get accomplished and my trains of thought all get derailed.
There are little sparks here and there. I'm not depressed, it's more of a suspension, being caught in a push-pull that prevents movement.
I'm wondering how well a Monday through Friday schedule will work out; there are definite advantages, but the downside is losing a day to myself. I miss that already.
Last night I dreamt that I was living back home with my family. I felt trapped, and kept rearranging my room in an attempt to get a sense of personal space. I was also going to work. We finally had a kitchen, but there was an explosion of red frosting which was a huge mess to clean up.
I'm on vacation, but I still wake up around 5am, and am unable to make myself go back to sleep, or even just rest quietly, as my Mom used to say.
Yesterday I saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, a movie about wonder and time and loss and windows of opportunity and following your star and it made me think of all the things I haven't done and the chances I didn't take and I was feeling a deep sadness. Toward the end, a character who had tried and failed to swim the English Channel in her youth tried again at the age of 68. Tried and succeeded. And my sadness lessened.
It did what the best movies do - take you into another world in which you can meet yourself in a new way.

nox invictus : night unconquerable
The online translator is very helpful in a limited way. It doesn't tell you what the phrase means, and a search was fruitless, just links to myspace, gamers, some poetry, and a herpetological society. It tells you that nox is night, or Nox, the primordial goddess of night, and that invictus means unconquered, unconquerable, or invincible.

Enough rambling for now. Coffee awaits.

2 comments:

Bridgete said...

I know what you mean. I've kind of been in the same suspended state. I'm just not on vacation...so I'll be at work and I'll drift off on some weird train of thought (and no one notices because I'm alone in my office...) and then suddenly I realize I was doing something and probably should get back to it.

ginger said...

existential meltdowns rule.