Friday, March 12, 2010

At this moment

At this moment, I am pondering the absurdity of my situation. I have a part-time job starting in April. A job that will pay me less than I'm currently getting from unemployment. I could file every two weeks to get the difference, but I'm starting to ask myself "Why?" If working pays less than looking for work, why should I work? This is not my normal attitude.

Today I got to go to Free Writing Friday for the first time in about three years. Out of 11 people in the group, four of us recently lost our jobs. The three people who weren't me were pretty "Yippee! This is the best thing that could have happened!" about it. I'm not quite that enthused. It's taken me all this time to get to a place where I can see that it's ultimately a good thing, and that if I don't spend my energy panicking this could be a huge opportunity for creative growth.

It feels like the job search has been going on for a long time. Not really. My first interview was in the middle of February. It's only been about 4 weeks.

I'm 46 years old. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I seem to spend my life finding out what I don't want. I used to think I wanted my own pastry shop. I've learned that I don't. So all you people who keep telling me to start my own business - stop it. It's not going to happen. While I would go insane spending my day in a cubicle, I'm tired of being on my feet all day, hunching over a worktable, a counter, or a sink full of dishes. It may be selfish and petty, but now that I've accepted that gluten-free is the healthier option for me, I've lost interest in pastry. At least for now. And while I'd like to improve my cooking skills, I don't want to go to culinary school or work in a restaurant. See - more stuff I know I don't want.

Lost, confused, no idea where I'm going....what's a creative soul to do? Sign up for Script Frenzy, that's what. 100 pages of script in 30 days. This time, I'm taking notes as I go along (thanks for the tip, Jenn). Like NaNoWriMo, it's free to participate, but donations are greatly appreciated. In November, I was employed, and made a donation. This time....well, that's where you come in. Support my lunacy by making a donation in my name. Any amount will go a long way toward adding even more pressure to complete my 100 pages on time. Imagine my sense of shame if I failed to finish after your blatant show of support. When my inspiration and my OCD falter, the guilt will be there to bolster me up and keep me typing. You don't have to decide now. Donations are accepted through May 1st.


Lisa said...

Maybe you should do stand-up because even though you are writing about a touchy subject for so many, you make me smile with the way you say things. :) Lots of loving vibes for finding your way.

Jenn said...

Having a notebook next to me teh whole time I wrote the novel was invaluable. As the novel grew and expanded so did my scribblings. Some days I just had to handwrite to get creative then transcribe for the word count. Every time I introduced a new character I'd write their name & capacity on the character page (example: "Scott - FMC ex-fiance") that way if I was referring to them in the future but forgot what I'd named them in the blur of 50k words in 30 days I could go back to the notebook as opposed to combing the novel. An over all time line & self created calendar were also super useful tools in keeping it together.

Hi, OCD much? But I felt like for the first time in my life it totally paid off!

Can't wait to start hering about your characters and story! I know it will be awesome, you are a visual thinker, writing for the screen should come very naturally for you as you'll see it in terms of playing out while it comes together.

pastrywitch said...

Thanks Lisa :)
Jenn - you're right about the visual thinking. I 'see' the novel in my head (the flying vampire monkey demon attack is AWESOME!) and translating it to narrative is frustrating. Screenwriting may be a better fit. We'll see....

jaz@octoberfarm said...

squirrel landscapers....that is so funny!!! teddy would eat them! a macro lens allows you to get really close up shots of things.