Today's Self-Portrait

I function well enough at work. Then I come home, and the evening slips away leaving nothing to show for it. It's dark at 4, I feel as though the day should be done, and respond accordingly. I'm tired, but don't sleep well. I'm empty, lethargic, and hating myself for it. Projects have fallen by the wayside. Ruts are getting deeper. I don't remember winter affecting me this much.



Indecision, vacillation in an important matter, failure, disappointment, mental anguish, disturbing dreams, loneliness, depression, desolation.

I'm not sure what to do, except keep going. Push myself a bit harder, get myself off my behind a bit more, make a list....

Or just go with it for now, waiting for the Solstice, when the light will begin to increase, however slightly. The sun will come back, the depression will fade, my energy will renew. Eventually.



Four of Swords - Solitude, repose. Temporary retreat to gather inner strength, seek spiritual guidance and reorganize thoughts and plans.

Lost

Here we are again

all of us in here (it's crowded in my head)

back at a crossroads

having thought we were in the right place

on the right path

only to find that maybe we're not

It seemed like a good fit

tactile, creative, varied and demanding

but now

faced with realities beyond our control

we aren't so sure

would we want to do this somewhere else?

Or is it time to consider a new direction?

Sometimes we think we're getting a bit old for this

We should have had ourselves sorted by now

Most people know what they're doing by this point

Know where they're going

Don't they?

Well into middle-age

and at least today

we still don't know

what we want to be when we grow up.

We had dreams, we have dreams,

and where we are at this moment

just doesn't match.

Knowledge of mortality has become more present over the last few months, bringing a bitter taste of risks not taken, adventures untried, skills not mastered. Depression is threatening to visit again, taking no notice of the 'no vacancy' sign.

I'm back in that uncomfortable place, with one voice shouting 'suck it up and get on with it' and another murmuring 'be where you are'. Too fuzzy to go within and listen with any sense of clarity. Or maybe just too lazy.

So, start where you are. Right. Where is that exactly?

Waiting. Waiting for others to make a decision that affects the immediate answer. Waiting for myself to answer the deeper question - where do I want to go, and how do I want to get there?