Imbolc 2010: The Adventure Begins

Sometimes, the Powers That Be take things a bit too literally.

Imbolc is about inspiration, fire, the awakening of seeds slumbering in the earth,

rebirth and new beginnings. So, what happens? I lose my job.

This is not quite the new beginning I would have chosen. But here it is, and it must be dealt with, no matter how much I might want to take to my bed with a bottle of bourbon and a good supply of snacks.

There's grieving and depression going on, and it would be easy to slide into a dark well and stay there. Fortunately, one of my personalities is a planner with a passion for averting disaster. I've already enlisted friends to check in with me to make sure I'm attending to basic functions like showering, walking Puppy and posting on Facebook. I have activities scheduled to make sure I get out of the house for something besides job hunting.

I have a list of upcoming free days at the zoo, the art museum and the musuem of nature and science. I have my Nano group every other week. And finally, after a nearly three year absence, I'll be able to go to Free writing Fridays. Thanks to Bevin giving me a gift card to the rec center, I can keep going to NIA; I'm addicted. I was in a pit of despair Monday night, but after class I was on a natural high.

I've known the end was coming for a few weeks. The sense of impending doom has made it very difficult to concentrate on ...well, on anything really. I haven't been sleeping well, I have a hard time being still. My novel has been terribly neglected. Now that the closing is out in the open, I can relax and stop putting so much energy into keeping my mouth shut. It's been really hard; I don't like to keep pain to myself. I like to spread it around...

I don't know what I want to do next. I've applied for some very random things. I have no idea what is going to happen over the next year as far as jobs go. My planner self is not happy, my wandering gypsy self is thrilled, everyone else is somewhere in the middle.

I'm trying to frame this whole thing in a positive way. "It's not unemployment - it's a stay-cation! Yeah!" It works for a few seconds.

After the Imbolc circle on Saturday night, I went home to bed. After a night of intensely vivid dreams, I woke up with this first thought "My name doesn't fit anymore". This happens about every 7 years or so, usually when there's a significant shift in some part of my life or personality.

So here I am, at Imbolc, with no job, no idea what I'm going to do, and my name doesn't fit. And that's ok. Somehow, it will all come out right, even though I don't know how.

Imbolc is also about hope, hope that the spring will return, the seeds will awaken, and that life will be renewed.