nothing to see here

i'm not telling anyone i'm here. i don't expect anyone to come looking. this one is anonymous. where i can talk about how i'm feeling displaced at work. how the cool things keep going to other people. i feel left out in many ways. things are changing, not necessarily bad, but different. how much of it is me, how much of it is real. i don't know. it's just uncomfortable.

i'm not comfortable in my skin. i like to be invisible. it's part of why i'm fat. it's why now that i'm realizing that fat isn't healthy, now that i'm losing weight, i'm letting the gray grow out instead of continuing to dye my hair. if i'm giving up one cloak of invisibility, i need to have another one. instead of fat saying ' avert your eyes, get away, nothing to see', my gray hair will say 'she's old, nothing to look at anymore'. while i have one aspect of my personality that wants to be Inara from firely, most of me is cold and untouchable, more suited for a nun than for a companion.

i'm not sure why. i'm not sure why matters. it's not that i don't look. it's not that i don't have urges. it's not that don't masturbate. i attend to hygeine and grooming. but being noticed makes me uncomfortable. i feel threatened and exposed. i don't like it. so i wear baggy clothes and carry excess weight. i let my gray hair show. if my neck weren't so hairy i might shave my head. i don't know why i'm like this. i don't know that i want to change. i just feel like i've done something wrong, i've waited too long, it's too late to be anything other than a spinster. it's too late. i'm not sure i care. and that worries me.